Sunday, May 24, 2009

Just 'cause

I just feel the need to write. I have a plethora of things I want to write about but really have not the desire nor drive or whatever to actually take the time to write them right now. But I need to write so I'm writing. As I previously blogged I had neglected posting here because school was just really commanding my energy. Now that school is over I'm just drained. I've been trying to recharge my batteries but it doesn't seem to be working too well. At least I know the reason why though. My home environment is just not conducive to my being a happy human being. I need to leave and I'm working on it, however, I don't have the means or capacity to just up and relocate. So, like most everything in this world, it's going to take some time. I hate waiting. And though I'm not really waiting, 'cause I am looking and preparing, I am not the most patient person in this world. At least not when it comes to anything except kids. I like kids. I have patience for them 'cause everything is new to them and so they have to learn. Everyone and everything else just gets on my damn nerves. Back to home life. I am surrounded by emotional chaos which is something the I just CANNOT STAND! Look, I have no problem with conflict but I like to deal with things in a positive light, in the most positive ways. The people around me deal in negative emotions and that's what life is to them. If things are flowing along nicely and going well then something is wrong in their world and they HAVE to inject a bit of negativity and chaos energy to feel normal. That is SO not me. When I entered this environment I knew of a part of this but truly had know idea how deep this sickness in these people was. Well now I know and I'm getting the fuck out of dodge before I need a lawyer. It's that serious.

In conjunction with this external shit I'm also going through quite a bit of internal drama. I've been going through self exploration for the last year or so. I finally realized I need to deal with a lot of the crap I have floating around my psyche. I've always been pretty level headed and like to think I deal with my emotions relatively well. I've always been pretty honest with myself as far as my emotions and motivations are concerned but when Veronica died something changed. Not a lot just a bit. Enough to notice. Wow. Self evaluation and breaking down one's ego shell is some scary shit and not for the timid. And not to be attempted without some help. Trudging through adult emotional trauma is nothing compared to dealing with childhood emotional trauma as an adult. You might be surprised of the things that really had a lasting effect. Most things looking back are obvious but quite a bit is not, which is why it's good to take a careful and thoughtful look into such things. Then evaluate. Always with someone who is qualified to do such things though, as your own viewpoint can be obviously biased or skewed. Most people ignore pain for various reasons, usually fear, and that's understandable. But you cannot be a fully functioning and healthy human being if you don't understand yourself and facing and dealing with pain is a big part of that. That's one of the reasons why I follow Steven Barnes' blog so closely: He is a person who is publicly honest about his internal and external dealings with striving to be a complete and balanced human being. I have such admiration for that man. Anyways, it's an ongoing process, this self-evaluation stuff and I'm workin' on it. Have been for a while, actually, just read my book ;-). It's just now, I'm really focusing on it, because I really need my life to move forward and I can't do that until I get a lot of the shit from all these past years a bit cleared up. Or just a bit clearer. Thirty-something years is a lot of shit to slog through.

That all for now. LAter.

My Book. Yes, I'm proud and not above a bit of self-promotion.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

The Dragun iz back. A bit Drained

It's been over a month since I posted anything. My posting has been rather spotty for the whole year so far actually. Didn't even have a single post in my Bornday month, April. Weeeeeell, school has been kickin' my ass. I was actually trying to take it serious for once. Especially one class which I'm not sure if I'm going to pass. This is rather disheartening but quite possibly a necessary wake-up call for me. I'm fairly certain I will pass all my other classes. Though I am not anal and obsessed with making the best grades, as far as classes(or anything else for that matter) are concerned, I am NOT used to failing in any way. I'm smarter than I used to be but not quite as intelligent, I think. I think my higher power may have my back though, but I think that's only for this semester. Next school jam I get in I am sure I'll be on my own. We'll see. I won't let myself get in a academic jam like I did this semester ever again,though, no matter what happens.

Anyways, I did post about all my excitement in March, so no need to rehash that stuff. Except, I FINALLY MET STEVEN BARNES!!!!!! Just had to get that out. If you can't tell I'm still kind of STOKED about that. But for my Bornday, which is April 1, I went to the Museum of Natural History here in NY. Yes, I am an April Fool. I am THE April Fool and as such the whole month belongs to ME!!! My bad, slight megalomania moment there. My dominant personae likes to show himself now and then. Like I was saying, went to the museum which used to be my FAVORITE place to go when I was a child. Here is why: I loved wearing my white suit there. The old human history display was in a long dark hallway that had blacklights running along the floors. The light would turn my white suit purple. This delighted me immensely, I thought that was so cool. Still do:-). I have not been to that museum in YEARS!! and figured I might as well go to my old favorite born day place. And I wore my current white suit, too, you know, as an homage to the child inside (pics at the end). Wow has it changed!! That display has changed quite a bit as has the whole museum. I like it. I need to go back on a regular basis just to check everything out. Maybe I will do that over the summer. Anyways, I bought myself a book and a Playstation 3 for my Bornday gifts. I mostly wanted the Playstation for the blu-ray player. I am more a movie/film fanatic than I am a gamer though I do enjoy playing games every once in a while. They have to be very interesting to me though. I much prefer to watch someone else play a game as long as they play it well, as my best friend David does. For me, watching David play is like watching a movie, he's that good at these things. Cool for me he's my best friend then, huh? So, I have a bunch of blu-ray discs already but only one game. I haven't actually had the opportunity to play it because, like I began above, school was kickin' my ass. I need to work on my time management skills big time! Blu-ray movies look freakin' AWESOME!!! by the way. If you haven't acquired a blu-ray player, along with an HDTV, I highly suggest you save your pennies and go get them. Together they are so choice.

Nothing else really happened in April. Oh wait, I went to Connecticut. Went for a friend. I won't put her business on the net but I went for support. Actually stayed at this minor resort hotel at Foxwoods casino. It's nice up there. Visited a friend of my friend who has a house and some land on the Mohegan reservation land. It was really nice out there. Though it was my first time there and meeting these people I felt at home immediately, which is super rare for me. I look forward to going back.

Went to the world famous Apollo theater for the first time this past Wednesday. My friend, Wisdom Supreme, was performing at amatuer night. It was an interesting and very cool experience. I lost my voice cheering. Interesting observation from this experience: girls really do mature faster than boys in certain ways. There was a large group of kids from a school in Philly in attendance. The boys were rather a bit unruly and the girls seemed to have a better sense of decorum for the venue in which they were in. They were still kids though just a bit better behaved. Interesting to witness that as an adult. I ain't old, forget ya'll!! Wisdom did a great job by the way. He didn't get booed at all, which I was kind of worried about, being he was doing a spoken word piece which was rather deep, and you had all these pre high school kids there looking for fun performances. I was thoroughly impressed: with Wisdom as well as those school kids. They listened. Great night.

My Big Bro came up to NY on Friday. Hung out with him and my nephew Mikey. We went to see Wolverine. I am so not impressed. I know they had to take liberties to make it work, like they did with the three X-Men movies, but they went a bit overboard in my opinion. I think making Logan and Victor brothers was great though. Their relationship has, to my knowledge, never been explicitly explained in the comics. You know, it wasn't that bad but it really should have been better. Post Dark Knight and Iron Man this should have never seen the screen in the form they had it. I know it takes a LONG time to make films, so I can only assume that the script had been approved and principle photography had already begun WAY before the Dark Knight and Iron Man films saw the light of day. Completely fucked up the character of Deadpool, too. He's rather cool for a slightly insane assassin in the comics and they just messed him up in the film. They kind of covered that after the credits, though, but it's still kind of retarded what they did with him. Actually liked the live realization of Remy LeBeau, Gambit, though. Look forward to seeing that character in future X-films. Loved the way they SFXed his powers, too. That was way cool. Yeah, I'ma get it on blu-ray when it comes out, but mostly because I'm an X-men fan.

And yesterday, I helped my brother help my nephew's mom move out of her apartment. Got to spend some time with Mikey, too, which is always cool. I like my Nephew. Reminds me of, well, me ;-). Just a bit. Played catch with his football. He's got a pretty good throw for a kid.
That all for now. I won't be stranger. Especially since, Schooooooool's Out For Summer!!!!!!

Bornday pics
First pic on my Bornday!

Happy to be going to the museum.

Gotta do the hard rock pose.

Greater Koodoo. That's the name of these creatures. Thought that was cool. And they look pretty cool, too.

Petrified wood. When I was little they had a single slice that was longer than I was tall. I always thought that was so cool.

Had a happy day! (Yeah, my room is a bit messy. So?)