Sunday, May 24, 2009

Just 'cause

I just feel the need to write. I have a plethora of things I want to write about but really have not the desire nor drive or whatever to actually take the time to write them right now. But I need to write so I'm writing. As I previously blogged I had neglected posting here because school was just really commanding my energy. Now that school is over I'm just drained. I've been trying to recharge my batteries but it doesn't seem to be working too well. At least I know the reason why though. My home environment is just not conducive to my being a happy human being. I need to leave and I'm working on it, however, I don't have the means or capacity to just up and relocate. So, like most everything in this world, it's going to take some time. I hate waiting. And though I'm not really waiting, 'cause I am looking and preparing, I am not the most patient person in this world. At least not when it comes to anything except kids. I like kids. I have patience for them 'cause everything is new to them and so they have to learn. Everyone and everything else just gets on my damn nerves. Back to home life. I am surrounded by emotional chaos which is something the I just CANNOT STAND! Look, I have no problem with conflict but I like to deal with things in a positive light, in the most positive ways. The people around me deal in negative emotions and that's what life is to them. If things are flowing along nicely and going well then something is wrong in their world and they HAVE to inject a bit of negativity and chaos energy to feel normal. That is SO not me. When I entered this environment I knew of a part of this but truly had know idea how deep this sickness in these people was. Well now I know and I'm getting the fuck out of dodge before I need a lawyer. It's that serious.

In conjunction with this external shit I'm also going through quite a bit of internal drama. I've been going through self exploration for the last year or so. I finally realized I need to deal with a lot of the crap I have floating around my psyche. I've always been pretty level headed and like to think I deal with my emotions relatively well. I've always been pretty honest with myself as far as my emotions and motivations are concerned but when Veronica died something changed. Not a lot just a bit. Enough to notice. Wow. Self evaluation and breaking down one's ego shell is some scary shit and not for the timid. And not to be attempted without some help. Trudging through adult emotional trauma is nothing compared to dealing with childhood emotional trauma as an adult. You might be surprised of the things that really had a lasting effect. Most things looking back are obvious but quite a bit is not, which is why it's good to take a careful and thoughtful look into such things. Then evaluate. Always with someone who is qualified to do such things though, as your own viewpoint can be obviously biased or skewed. Most people ignore pain for various reasons, usually fear, and that's understandable. But you cannot be a fully functioning and healthy human being if you don't understand yourself and facing and dealing with pain is a big part of that. That's one of the reasons why I follow Steven Barnes' blog so closely: He is a person who is publicly honest about his internal and external dealings with striving to be a complete and balanced human being. I have such admiration for that man. Anyways, it's an ongoing process, this self-evaluation stuff and I'm workin' on it. Have been for a while, actually, just read my book ;-). It's just now, I'm really focusing on it, because I really need my life to move forward and I can't do that until I get a lot of the shit from all these past years a bit cleared up. Or just a bit clearer. Thirty-something years is a lot of shit to slog through.

That all for now. LAter.

My Book. Yes, I'm proud and not above a bit of self-promotion.


  1. Damn, man! You need to get the fuck out of there like NOW! Maybe you should set aside a little money with each paycheck? Look at what you make in a month's time, figure out how much you think you might be able to afford on rent, and then save up three or four times that amount.

    When I was planning to move into our apartment, I took our total take-home income for the month, subtracted the rent, and looked to see if the remaining was enough to live by (including: utilities, food, and savings). If so, bingo! If not, something needed to go in our expenses. Or we'd have to look for cheaper rent. Something.

    It sucks that even in the Bronx rents are ridiculously high now. Have you checked the newspapers for apartment rentals? Or online?

  2. Already ahead of you. I opened a second checking account to put money in and I'm putting my whole disability check in each month and a bit from each pay check. I'm lucky, I can save quite a bit quickly that way. My main focus right now is putting my stuff in storage. Once that's done then I'm apartment hunting something serious. I hope to have something by the end of the summer if not a bit sooner.

  3. Oh, good! Sounds like a plan to me.