Saturday, April 24, 2010


I am in another depressive state. Don't really feel like expressing the exact details of why that is here but just the consequences. I have no real desire to do anything. Especially the things I NEED to do or things I WANT to do. Classic symptoms of depression, no? For instance, I like my classes in school. I like the instructors and class conversations. However, I have been insanely shirking the required work for each and every one of my classes. Most of which is writing. Which is something I happen to like doing and am particularly good at. I actually did the required research, reading and/or thought processes needed for each assignment, I just haven't sat down and written anything. I mean, I KNOW I'm a procrastinator, but this is ridiculously pathological or something. I have these moments, like everyone else I'm sure, but they don't usually last this long. And I am literally running out of time. The semester is almost over. How the hell did it get to the end of April so fast?! I just celebrated my Bornday on April 1! So, I'm sitting here at my easy ass night job STILL avoiding having to do my assignments! How retarded am I?! I've had fun for the last couple of weeks but the serious stuff I've been avoiding. Some of the stuff floating around in my head (that I'm not going into) I thought I came to terms with. I now realize I have not and unfortunately it is affecting other endeavors, i.e. school, and that is just not acceptable. April is always a good month for me, it IS my birth month, and I usually have fun the whole month. That just might be a part of my problem. I don't like to do anything I don't want to do in this month. It's mine. (It's an old habit.) However, that has not usually affected school. I'm trying to remember if I had the same problem this time last year. My memory is not reliable and I haven't been keeping up with my journal, so I really have know idea.

Another byproduct of my depressive states is that I do not eat. I don't starve myself in the extreme sense of the word but I don't eat nearly enough to properly nourish my body. Which leaves me with not a lot of energy which means I really do not want to DO stuff! Stupid vicious cycles and shit.

I need to do my work for my classes and I want to go back to aikido, so, I have to find a way out of this really really really soon. Done ranting for now.

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